Obviously we know that Dom is short for Dominant – someone, male or female (Domme), who wants to be on the controlling side of a consensual sexual power exchange. (I say sexual, otherwise it would include people with a dominant personality, which is different of course).
So, how does one define a ‘real’ Dom?
Is it based on how many sexual experiences the person had? How many asses he spanked? So, if a guy engaged in BDSM sex with 10 different women is that finally enough that he can call himself a real Dom? Or, does he need to have dominated 30 women? I started early, and experienced a lot in my pre-marriage years. Does this “history” automatically qualify me? Meh, I don’t think so.
Instead, is it based on his knowledge of the using the various toys/instruments? So, if a guy knows how to use a deer skin flogger versus a riding crop, is that it? He must have had to dabble with bondage, spreader bars, Wartenberg wheels, hot wax, tens, etc. I’d say nah. Just because someone can use the instruments, doesn’t make him/her a Dom/Domme.
Or, is it based on his interaction with others in the ‘community’. There was a period in my life when I attended munches and fet nights? Does that make me a Dom? Simply because I went to events with other kinksters? I don’t think so. To be honest, a lot of the people seemed like cartoon characters to me.
Is it longevity? If a person lived the ‘lifestyle” for ten years, does that makes him real? Is it an age thing? No way.
What if a Dom with lots of past experience, lots of history, and good knowledge goes through a ten year period where his priorities change? He focuses on raising his kids, advancing his career, building a home, and BDSM must be put on the back burner. Does that mean he is now LESS of a Dom? Absolutely not.
A real Dom is defined by a combination of all those things – experience, knowledge, history, tenure – but ALSO, the right mindset. Yes, the right attitude. (This is where a lot of Doms fuck up and get labeled as ‘FAKE’.
In my person experience, real Doms are defined by:
1. A lack of arrogance. They are quietly self assured and don’t need to flaunt anything. When someone broadcasts it – often – that’s a sign of a wanna-be/poser.
2. Unwavering politeness. A real Dom doesn’t have to act “bossy”. Never mistake someone who is polite for someone who is weak. Those are two very different things.
3. Integrity. And we look for integrity in others too.
4. Respect and admiration for submissives. We follow the ‘safe, sane and consensual’ credo.